His name isn’t really Larry, but what else would you call a pigeon with electrodes glued to the brain? That’s right, Larry is a cyborg pigeon who can be controlled remotely…

The People’s Daily Online reports that scientists in China have successfully found a way to use brain implants in pigeons to control the birds movement. This means Larry will soon be recruited by the military for special ops missions and assassination plots. Not a bad career move for the bird normally seen begging for french fries outside of McDonalds.

Pigeon or weapon of mass destruction?

Next time you see a pigeon it might not be a pigeon, it might be Larry. Is Larry carrying a nuclear bomb today or a spy-cam? Maybe just an AK-47… And what if satellite photos show large gatherings of pigeons in Iraq or Iran? Does this justify an invasion because they could be Larry’s?

Larry not the first – U.S military already training Nemo

Larry is not the first animal turned cyborg. The U.S military has already tried creating remote controlled sharks and currently trains dolphins to search for mines. Bet you didn’t know that was going on under the sea…

How does Larry work? Can he become autonomous and start the war between humans and machines?

The brain implants you see sticking out of Larry’s head actually stimulate different areas of Larry’s brain according to signals sent by scientists. The signals force Larry to comply with commands. When scientists want Larry to fly left, they send a signal, and Larry thinks, “Hey I really want to go left!”. You can read more details on the subject at Hacked Gadgets.

Can Larry become autonomous? Of course. If scientists tell Larry to go left when there is a cookie on the floor to the right, Larry will immediately override the signal. Scientists will need to send the signal continuously. “Hey I really want to go left, no wait, there is a cookie lets go right, no left, no right, no left, no right, no left, omg cookie!”

A casual observer would likely report witnessing a rabid pigeon doing a strange ritualistic break dance around a stale half-eaten biscuit. Eventually Larry would short-circuit his brain implant and release his arsenal of nuclear weapons against any rodent or seagull that threatens his cookie.

Can pigeons bypass the current missile defense system?

The answer is yes. Billions of dollars have been invested in a missile defense system that offers absolutely no protection against Larry’s. This is a serious problem. The heat signatures associated with missiles and Larry’s are very different. Larry’s also travel at much slower velocities than missiles making them much harder to detect. Unless traveling in a large flock, Larry’s even go undetected by radar.

What advantages does Larry bring to the table?

1. Rejuvenated Carrier Pigeon Business
   If Fedex or UPS can get their hands on some Larry’s, we’ll see pigeon post just like owl mail delivery in Harry Potter. It’ll be great, imagine the savings! Thousands of workers could be laid off and replaced with pigeons who work long hours in exchange for a handful of grain.

Also, think of the carbon savings! Switching to pigeons for mail delivery is a great way to reduce greenhouse gas emissions and go green! Remote controlled pigeons could save the environment. Forget about Smokey the bear and forest fires, Larry can save us from global warming!

2. Cleaner streets – Better Disease Control
   Most pigeons spend their days downtown panhandling and begging for food. This technology will get the pigeons off the streets and into jobs. There will be a wide array of new employment opportunities for Larry’s, ranging from couriers to assassins.

If you can pre-program a flight sequence, Larry might even be able to take the dog out for a walk. Honestly, if this isn’t a technological revolution, I don’t know what is.

What are the downsides to Larry aside from nuclear apocalypse?

After remote controlled pigeons comes remote controlled humans. If you think that’s impossible, guess again. The technology has already been tested on many politicians who serve oil companies and large corporations rather than those who elect them.

Conclusion

All I’m saying is, be careful. When it comes to pigeons in the 21st century, you can never be too careful.